The best Quotes Ever? (Part 5)

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. 
Steven Wright 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. 
Steven Wright 

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. 
W. C. Fields 

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. 
W. C. Fields 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
George Carlin 

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? 
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. 
George Carlin 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

Half the people you know are below average.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.’

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They 
went "Aaaaahhhh..."

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of 
three-by-fives

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I 
can ride a unicycle

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out”

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
 was missing

Check it out

So normally I don't like posting my own videos on here but, heck, I'm really proud of this one, so please watch enjoy and whatever else you do http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixDA6sAfEhU&feature=channel_video_title

My Friends channel

so my friends just got a new channel are currently working on some things to be posted this summer, I know they would greatly appreciate your support so please head on over to their channel and subscribe, it would mean a lot to them, http://www.youtube.com/user/YourAvrageJuggernots?feature=mhee, (and while you're at it, if you haven't subscribed to me, now would be a great time to do so :) )

The best Quotes Ever? (Part 4)

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. 
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 
Mitch Hedberg 

Before I speak, I have something important to say. 
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. 
Groucho Marx 

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. 
Bill Cosby

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic. 
Bill Cosby 

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. 
Bill Cosby 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 
Steven Wright 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 
Steven Wright 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. 
Steven Wright 

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. 
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! 
Steven Wright 

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. 
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. 
Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' 
Steven Wright 

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. 
Groucho Marx 

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. 
Groucho Marx

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 
Steven Wright 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 
Steven Wright 

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. 
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 
Steven Wright 

Room service? Send up a larger room. 
Groucho Marx 

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. 
Groucho Marx

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? 
Steven Wright 

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 
Steven Wright 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
Steven Wright 

The Importance of Punctuation

So here's a perfect example of why punctuation is so important. The two paragraphs below contain the exact same words yet when the punctuation is changed it says the complete opposite.

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria


Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria




(I would also like to give a shout out to all you people in Russia, Germany, Spain, the UK, Latvia, India, Brazil, Canada, and the Netherlands, thanks for reading)

The best Quotes Ever? (Part 3)

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I bought a pack of batteries but batteries were not included so I had to buy them again

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg 

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg 

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg 

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg 

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg 

Next Chapter?

So I bet many of you are wondering when exactly is the next chapter of Joshua coming out? Well there are two reason that is has not come out yet, #1 I have been on new Chris vs Colby stuff since I just a new HD camera and the second is, I'm not going to post it till I get more comments on my previous post. I really could use some help with that so please comment, or you're severing going to get to read chapter 4... (until it get's published that is... and who knows when that will be...)