There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? – Woody Allen
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
The only real diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.
Unknown
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Will Rogers
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. Jerry Seinfield
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I found a great way to attract money... work!
Curtis D. Tucker
If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.
Dr Seuss
Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
Nascar is like flushing the toilet with a mess of skittles in it...
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you very lucky.
"My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions." – George Bush
If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened"- Newt Gingrich
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river- Nikita Khrushchev
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. –George Bernard Shaw
To those critics who are so pessimistic about our country, I say: Don't be economic girly men. – Arnold Schwarzenegger
One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention. – Arnold Schwarzenegger
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. –Milton Berle
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. –Milton Berle
No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you. –Sholom Aleichem
It's possible, you can never know, that the universe exists only for me. If so, it's sure going well for me, I must admit. – Bill Gates
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? Bob Monkhouse
“Reactions around the league were mixed. Some didn’t like the idea while others hated it.” Stew Stewman in the rvb miniseries “Grifball”
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Never steal. The government hates competition
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back, and let the world wonder how you did it.
rlaely it deson’t mttaer waht i wirte you’ll sitll uanrtednsnd it
When nothing goes right, Go left.
I dream of a better tomorrow…
where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
“Even if you’re on the right track you'll get run over if u just stand there"
If others can do it….. let them do it…
Did you know that 8 out of 3 people don’t get fractions?
Do it today … it might be illegal tomorrow!
If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???
I’m on a seafood diet.. I see food and then I eat it.
I stepped on a cheerio this morning…. Does that make me a cereal killer?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
There are two types of people in the world. Ones who can count and other who can tell a joke right.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once
Without me, it's just aweso
I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
