The best Quotes Ever? (Part 4)

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. 
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 
Mitch Hedberg 

Before I speak, I have something important to say. 
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. 
Groucho Marx 

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. 
Bill Cosby

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic. 
Bill Cosby 

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. 
Bill Cosby 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 
Steven Wright 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 
Steven Wright 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. 
Steven Wright 

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. 
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! 
Steven Wright 

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. 
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. 
Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' 
Steven Wright 

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. 
Groucho Marx 

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. 
Groucho Marx

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 
Steven Wright 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 
Steven Wright 

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. 
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 
Steven Wright 

Room service? Send up a larger room. 
Groucho Marx 

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. 
Groucho Marx

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? 
Steven Wright 

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 
Steven Wright 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
Steven Wright