The best Quotes Ever? (Part 3)

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I bought a pack of batteries but batteries were not included so I had to buy them again

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg 

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg 

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg 

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg 

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg